With a plethora of parties and at least one holiday meal in your immediate future, Savour Winnipeg presents Ten Tips for Holiday Entertaining Etiquette.
1. Drink buckets of eggnog. It’s rare you know. You wont find it any other time of year, so drink up! Plus, it’s devoid of calories (devoid = 25,000 calories per glass).
2. If offered gravy, use it! Everywhere. Find creative ways to use the most gravy. IE: Making a mashed-potato gravy volcano. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
3. Speaking of mashed potatoes, always ask what kind of milk they’re made with. If it’s skim, move on. It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission, or an awesome house in Transcona.
4. Do not eat the day of the holiday party. The whole point of going in the first place is that you get to eat other people’s food for free.
5. In case you’ve ever wondered, it’s perfectly normal to line your pockets with those little zip-loc baggies. In case of buffet awesomeness, fill bag.
6. Do not exercise. Do that in January when you have no money left, and lots of time on your hands. Somnus diem! Now is the time for long naps which you’ll need after gorging yourself like a rich American at a resort buffet.
7. If you spot something really good at a buffet (meatballs in a maple bourbon BBQ sauce for instance) defend your position. Remain near the platter and don’t budge. In furious bursts of gluttony, eat as much of said item as possible while people aren’t looking. If threat of detection is high, see #4.
8. The power of pie. Pi – 3.14. Don’t settle for one piece when you can have three – Apple, Pumpkin, Cherry, Mincemeat – Pie should always be eaten in threes. If you don’t like the combinations, have two extra slices of your favourite.
9. No more f&%#ing fruitcake! Why do we keep eating this dessicated dessert disaster? Can’t you see our parents are visiting by proxy the pain and misery they once suffered at being presented this affront to festive feast finales. Change starts with you. Don’t let this injustice be visited upon others in Christmases to come.
10. If you don’t feel like ass before leaving the party, repeat steps 1-8 until desired effect is reached.
Have a great holiday season!!